Yesterday I stood high in the mountains atop a wind-whipped rock outcrop when inspiration *licked* me like a lightning-kissed Tesla tower.
I was resting on skis and pondering why perfectly serviceable girlfriends consistently skedaddle when a guy like me makes a concerted effort to prevent burning of the bottom,…
…to protect our immediate environment from the offending odors of ruination,…
…and to disintegrate at least some of the clumpy scum consolidating at the top…
…by stirring up and *lightly* seasoning that long simmering brew, our societal stew of collective consciousness.
So there I was bro, gazing out upon the glorious absurdity of the world, and, full truth told, now wondering if jerking off would be worth the frozen appendages — perhaps a sacrificial “sticky mitten” might be in order — when suddenly an internal-monologue-silencing vision of beauty came into view as she crested the ridge below me.
And there she was sis, a backcountry queen beyond comparison confidently striding up my solitary skin track with a sly grin upon her perfectly proportioned and endearingly sunburned visage.
Her eyes were hidden behind a tantalizing pair of Pit Vipers, and her strong yet unmistakably feminine form was adorned in a flowing digital camo 3 layer GORE-TEX onesie. Ohhhhh, to be a microscopic organism soaking up all the smells inside that blessed fart bag!
Words failed me, yet my mind raced through its memory banks for an image to describe her gorgeous essence. Art. Classical art. Timeless art. Could she be Venus on the half shell?!
Close… but not quite right!
I studied her as she smoothly piloted a splitboard up amongst the cornices. She was most certainly NOT the slender waif immortalized by Botticelli. Bulging quads and shapely shoulders showcased her strength. A modern Venus, no, but surely her spliff-smokin’, squat-jumpin’, gymnastically gifted goddess of a sister.
I steadied myself as she approached, for fear of falling head over heels into the abyss, and didn’t even dare to attempt speaking in my bewildered state.
Upon arrival, she reached into her breast pocket, pulled out a perfect origami heart folded from two sheets of standard white printer paper, and handed it to me.
As I focused on carefully unwrapping her precious package, my tongue momentarily regained enough fluidity to ask, “What’s this?”
“It’s a fax,” she replied. “Intercepted en route to the Exum Mountain Guides office.”
“A fax?! Who still sends a fax?!?” I asked.
“Just read it,” she replied. “All your questions will be answered within. You’ll know what to do with it.”
I continued carefully unfolding her paper heart, held it up against the wind, and glanced at the header:
TO: Exum Mountain Guides
Attn: Glenn Exum, FOUNDER and CEO
FROM: Gerald Pozer
FOUNDER and CEO, GLOBOCORPSE INTERNATIONAL
A fax for Glenn Exum!
Dated last week!
But… but… but…
…he’s been dead since March 17th, 2000! Rest in peace, Glenn.
Now far beyond intrigued, I turned my eyes towards the last known location of the backcountry beauty beyond compare…
…but she was gone.
My eyes followed her gracefully undulating track back down the snowy ridge. I caught a glimpse — just a glimpse — as she sent it off a frozen wave of wind-sculpted snow and spun, sooooooo gracefully, down and out of sight.
I let out couple coyote yips, stuffed the fax into my own pocket, looked down at my skis, and confirmed that climbing skins were still attached. My hopes for a hot pursuit? Imploded. But a simultaneous hope sprung up for her imperceptibly silent and unbelievably swift splitboard transition had squealed the deal in my soul.
And there I stood bro, sis, fam, madly in love with life. Thoroughly and teasingly licked by the most compelling feeling of all: divine inspiration.
Yes, I enjoyed a bonafied experienca espiritual, and just like that: POOF! Back to reality…
The frantic thought of ripping skins, putting that mitten back into my pack, and following her track invaded my mind again, but I knew that would be a rookie move. If she wanted to ride together she would have waited. Plus, I have respect for everyone out there alone in the mountains, whatever their mission might be.
I smiled a whole lot. Took in the view and a bunch of deep breathes. Then the wind died down to nuthin’, and I slurped up the D from all that afternoon sun on my face.
It was so pleasant that I figured well heck and stomped out a comfy little bench right there in the snow. Flipped my skis over and sat down on the supple climbing skins, lounged way back against my warm pack, loosened my boots, and unzipped my trousers all the way…
Then I reached down, whipped out the crumpled fax, and read it aloud to the conspiracy of ravens circling overhead…
TO: Exum Mountain Guides
Attn: Glenn Exum, FOUNDER and CEO
FROM: Gerald Pozer, FOUNDER and CEO, GLOBOCORPSE INTERNATIONAL
Glen! Old buddy! Old pal! It’s Jerry Pozer! I hope you remember our trip up the Grand Teton together back in the summer of ’69. You guided my first wife Ethel and I up there when we were building our third of many homes in Jackson Hole. I’m sure she would ask me to wish you well, but, tragically, she passed away shortly before our divorce was finalized back in ’82. Whew!
It’s great to see that your guide service is still growing, and I bet you’re leading the charge more than ever before! Like myself, you must be taking advantage of life extension technologies. Who knew that the blood of newborns could be so invigorating?! Transfusions are great, but, just between me and you, drinking it is better than a prune juice and vodka enema!
Here at GLOBOCORPSE INTERNATIONAL we’ve had a team monitoring your growing partnership with AMER SPORTS, and their subsidiary Arc’teryx. This Arc’terycx Academy program you’ve got going sets a great precedent, and it could become so much more!
We know that you’re expanding your partnership with AMER to launch the Arc’teryx Trips program next summer. Again, a great idea and a great development in OUR National Park System. You are blazing new trails, as usual Glen, and on behalf of everyone here at GLOBOCORPSE I’m proud to congratulate the latest in your long line of successes.
Let me lay off the kiss ass and cut to the chase here, Glenn. I know you’re a man who appreciates brevity just as much as I love money and power. Your respected guide service has opened a new door for corporate partnership with and within OUR National Parks.
We’d like you to consider doing business with us as well, Glenn. We encourage you to deepen your relationship with Arc’teryx, and are merely looking to help facilitate that partnership and many similar partnerships in OUR National Parks.
Access for elderly, obese, handicapped, idiotic, and absurdly wealthy people is almost non-existent in the wilderness areas of OUR National Parks. Let’s be honest here, Glen, you could share the beauty of the Grand Teton Mountains with so many more people if you let GLOBOCORPSE help you help the people get “radical” in the backcountry.
You will be able to guide and mentor a lot more customers once your office is located right there at the Lupine Meadows trailhead, and that’s why we’re willing to work with you to make that a reality. We’ve already lobbied Congress to designate the new Lupine Meadows Village mixed use commercial/residential district, and this is your chance to get in — rent free — not just on the ground floor but also owning a dozen condos above your new Exum Academy business complex. We’ll even strap a climbing wall to the side of your building, so you can sell Teton climbing experiences 50 steps from several of the finest restaurant chains in America.
Of course, the new Lupine Meadows Village will be competing with that rundown dump at Teton Village, so we are also lobbying to construct a bigger, better aerial tram to the summit of Teewinot Mountain. It will be just like that one they’ve got there in Chamonix, France but incorporating the latest and safest technologies to whisk 200 visitors up to the top of the Tetons every 15 minutes! “Exum Mountain Resort” could be the name of OUR new ski area, if you’ll be kind enough to sign on for it, Glenn.
Another partner already bought the rights to the Teewinot Tramway summit restaurant, but Exum could get a piece of the action at some other food concessions in Cascade Canyon, up Glacier Gulch, and at the Lower Saddle.
Of course, it would not be sufficiently inclusive if visitors to OUR Parks only had access to Teewinot Mountain, so we’ve had GLOBOCORPSE R&D working on a suite of technologies to assist folks seeking an even more “extreme” experience with Exum.
Last winter we patented our Automatic Skinning System (ASS) and several industry leading ski companies are ready to deploy the product. We want Exum to show the world what ASS skiing is all about, and what better place to do it than in the crucible of North American mountaineering.
Here at GLOBOCORPSE we know the importance of conservation (to keep the greenies happy), and that’s why ASS skis are totally electric: zero carbon emissions! You just strap em’ on, set the autopilot to the peak of your choice, and the GPS built into your ASS selects the safest and most scenic route to the summit. Instead of employing dozens of unreliable and overpaid guides, one technician will be able to monitor your entire ASS rental fleet simultaneously.
Of course, ASS only solves winter access issues and most visitors cannot ski, so GLOBOCORPSE has also been developing the Mountain Ascent Xtremely Intelligent Personal Access Drone (MAXIPAD) system. Helicopter tours of the Tetons are already gaining approval, and our fleet of fully electric MAXIPAD quadcopters will provide a greener, quieter alternative assuring that everyone can get everywhere any time of year in the comfort and safety of a climate controlled personal access drone.
Our friends in the military industrial complex have taken a special interest in our new MAXIPAD system, and several branches of NATO have expressed interest in partnering with Exum as well. The great water wars of the 21st century will be waged in remote mountain terrain against isolated pockets of terrorist resistance, and that’s why we’re hoping Exum will help train the next generation of American heroes in all aspects of alpine warfare.
A new military training facility is slated for construction within the upcoming Antelope Flats National Security Annex, and, let me tell you Glenn, these military contracts are where the money really starts flowing! Just ask your friends at Arc’teryx: their Law Enforcement Armed Forces (LEAF) line of outerwear and equipment has been a boon to their business in recent years.
Of course all these developments will require the latest and greatest in wireless technology, and that’s why our telecommunications providers will be constructing hundreds of small cell 5G towers throughout the wilderness backcountry. We will name these installations to honor pioneers of Teton mountaineering and conservation.
Once the internet of things is installed in Grand Teton Park all of your guides will be able to check on conditions and update their social media statuses instantaneously and seamlessly. Autonomous drones following all traditionally guided groups will assure the utmost level of safety and commercial viability is provided to your clients at all times. As an added bonus, you can sell the drone footage so clients can relive their magical Teton experience over and over again from the comfort of their homes.
The next Yvonne Choinard, Doug Thompkins, Stephen Koch, or — dare I say — Glenn Exum could be an overweight gamer from Toledo, Ohio, but their potential will be squandered unless Exum helps GLOBOCORPSE help the people gain unrestricted and inclusive access to the wilderness backcountry in OUR National Parks. It’s no exaggeration when I say that the world needs you, Glenn, now more than ever before.
The owners of several other concessions in Teton Park have already approached GLOBOCORPSE about a partnership, but we want to work with Exum. All you have to do to assure your continued successes is sign on with us.
The clock is tickin’ Glenn!
All the best,
So it seems the backcountry beauty beyond compare was correct: a horrendous precedent had been set, the corporate whores were lining up to get in the door, and I knew exactly what to do.
2 thoughts on “The Creation and Destruction of Exum’s Arc’teryx Academy”
Max , a genius piece of writing ! I saw “La nascita di Venera” at the Uffizi in Firenze … you have given it a whole new meaning for me . Thank You my Friend .Jill
Thanks Jill! It’s an amazing piece of artwork, and I hope I didn’t degrade it too much with my ribald attempts at humor.
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